Media Release: Dear Prospective New Charleston Residents – Charleston is Officially Closed

By Mark A. Leon

This is going to come as a shock to many who have already rented Uhaul trucks, looked at Google Maps and prepped road trip meals and gas breaks, but in a major announcement, Charleston has been declared closed to new residents.

After a massive public uprising, the powers above have made a declaration stating the reasons why it would not be prudent to move here:

1. We don’t have a professional sports team (ok, major professional).  Think about this for a moment.  Charleston has a comparable cost of living to Chicago (this is truth) and they have the World Series Champion Cubs, White Sox, Bears, Bulls, Blackhawks and the Chicago Fire.
2. Contrary to popular belief, Bill Murray doesn’t always like to be bothered out in public. Besides, he is rarely in town anyway. You have a better chance of spotting a dolphin doing the backstroke.
3. I know Charleston flaunts unseasonably warm winters, but it does snow. In fact, we recently got enough to shut down our international airport for three days, businesses were shut down and schools were closed.  It was mayhem and panic in the streets.
4. We hide it well on social media, but the Lowcountry has a bit of a traffic issue. Structurally, this small coastal community wasn’t built for the size it has become and it becomes apparent during those busy rush hours.
5. It is illegal to drink on our beaches. Do you really want to go to the beach and not be able to relax with a cold one?  Really??
6. Our mascots are a Cougar, a Bulldog, and a big floppy eared dog. We are dorky and so unoriginal.  You deserve better.
7. Southern pride isn’t for everyone. It is an acquired taste that has taken hundreds of years to obtain.
8. If you aren’t an SEC or ACC fan, you are an outsider and who wants to be an outsider?
9. We are much too expensive for you all. Charleston is 31% above the national cost of living average, our sales tax is 9.5% on everything including clothes, 10.5% restaurant food tax and 15% restaurant alcohol tax.  We feel bad putting that financial burden on y’all.
10. We don’t even have a Macy’s or Tiffany’s or Lord & Taylor
11. Charleston does not have a 24-hour coffee shop. What happens when you get that late-night inspiration and you need coffee?  You are out of luck my friend.
12. You must experience it to believe it, but the heat and humidity have a life of their own during the summer. And do we have a summer.  It lasts for 9 months.
13. With all our fried food, your New Years Resolution will go right out the window.  See how much we care.

We apologize for any inconvenience and wish you all the best of luck.